So, I've had EDNOS since about 5th grade. When I was younger than that, I was skinny, then my mum started getting really paranoid and decided outside was too dangerous, and stopped letting my sister and I play outside. I found out later, but I had hypothyroidism, so that plus the fact I was stranded inside all day everyday = chubby Ghost. Very chubby Ghost. When I tried to eat less, I got grounded, yelled at, and beat more than once. I never liked to clear my plate, I just wasn't hungry enough, and my mother would get so mad. She's been obese for as long as I can remember, and I think she just wanted my sister and I to be like her or something, I don't know. It got to the point that if we didn't eat with her every time she ate something, she would cry and tell us what awful daughters we were. I couldn't even eat slowly, especially at restaurants. Both her and my Step-Father would get so very angry, and I to this day don't understand why. But anyway, I got fat, and the kids at school were none to kind about it. In the 4th grade it started. People told me that if they were me, they'd puke after every meal or they would just kill themselves. They tried to convince me to kill myself at school so they could watch me die, and I even considered it for a while. Then my Step-Dad started it, too. He said that I didn't look like someone he'd want to call his daughter, and adding insult to injury he told me that my clothes weren't stylish enough for him to be proud of me.
After their divorce, neither of them really gave a shit about my sister or me, they were too focused on their war against each other. That's when I had a little more wiggle room, food wise. I tried to purge first, but I could never get it to work, and I still don't know what I was doing wrong. So I would go through these periods when I wouldn't eat really anything, and I was always ecstatically happy to have that empty feeling. Eventually my mom would notice, but then she'd get a new boyfriend and soon forget. I was still chubby in high school due to the Hypothyroidism (it is RIDICULOUSLY hard to lose weight with a lazy thyroid...), but I felt better about myself.
Now that I'm on my own, I'm digging deeper into this. I exercise more, I fast more, I eat less. I love it. Last time I had a blog like this, my employer (of all people!) found out and fired me. He said it had nothing to do with this, but I still think he felt I was a liability because of it -- I worked with glass, so if I passed out or something on the job, I'd probably get fucked up. I stopped blogging after that... And of course I fell into my old binging behaviors again. So, now I'm back, sporting a brand new email I'll use for nothing else, a pseudonym, and a new found confidence! I'm super excited to share this with whomever wants to read it, and I welcome all critique!
Stay Strong! xoxo
Love Always,
Ghost
